Let Go

It started with a conversation. Sat on the sofa, in my reflexologists dimly lit basement studio  – after a long treatment. We discussed the timeline of my illness, the recent unending 5 year episode that seemed to be stuck on spin cycle. A flare, career disruption, time off work, resorting to steroids, a new lease of life, new energy to try new regimes and methods of eating, exercise, healing, a period of remission and then – a relapse. I had been relapsing for five years, the last five years of my supposedly wild and adventurous twenties. Realising at that moment that I was experiencing my Crohns on repeat was a shocking revelation to me, and it actually ended up being the catalyst for this blog.

Although on paper I am a proactive ‘sufferer’ in my efforts towards regaining health; I seek opinions, read articles, explore diets and new regimes. After doing this for a long time; I no longer wish to tread water, I feel it’s time to question the cause, as well as focus on their effects. I feel I have to ask not just the how is this happening to my body and how can I prevent it, but the why. What caused me to have five years of perfect health at college and university, a complete inertia, and then poof – a seismic wave of fluctuation year, in year out.

During this conversation with my reflexologist she recommended me a book. She suggested I question the emotional turbulence at that time in my life and question what bearing it had on my health and wellbeing.

Now, you may be reading this thinking it’s utter nonsense to suppose that a disease can be made worse by upsets and problems; it’s a disease after all. But if you really struggle to see the connection between how we feel physically and emotionally; then question the phrases ‘I am feeling a little run down’, ‘under the weather’, ‘I’m not feeling so good’. Because our feelings are part of our beings.

I ordered the book online then forgot it was coming. When it arrived, it made very little impact. In fact, looking at the questionable cover artwork made me consider sending it back from whence it came. But I decided to pick it up and take it on the tube, I read only the first chapter. The book didn’t move me, the writing didn’t inspire me – but it spoke to me quite matter of factly and allowed me to shift focus to the beginning of my troubles.

The book’s blurb explains; The physical body is seen as a mirror of the consciousness within, and specific tensions on the physical level are seen as reflecting correspondingly specific tensions in the conscious about specific issues in the life of the individual experiencing the symptoms. 

This translated to; it’s time to process the things now, that you didn’t process then. Because however I managed those feelings, it hurt me more and it’s no coincidence that the most traumatic break-up, ending of a chapter i’ve ever experienced was the same year my Crohn’s troubles really began.

You’re wondering what I did next? That deserves a blog of it’s own.